Success is how high you bounce after you've hit bottom.

I've struggled to sit here and rehash today's failed 20 mi run. But I realized and have experienced that not all of my runs are going to be great, I'm not always going to feel like a super woman, I'm not always going to accomplish the mileage I had intended, I'm not always going to run every run the fastest or the strongest.  There will be off days and today was certainly one of those days.

The first 3 miles of the run I spent trying to warm up as my calves felt like they tightly wound up rubber bands ready to snap at any given moment.  I stopped a couple of times along the way and stretched them out.  By the 4th mile, they felt warmed up and I thought I was ready to conquer this run.  As we made our way through the posh residential area of Mission Hills and down Presidio, I started to feel like I was waist deep in mud.  My legs felt incredibly heavy and it was difficult to propel my leg in front of the other.  I saw that my pace was starting to slow while we were running along the San Diego River and to keep from psyching myself out, I switched fields on my Garmin, so that I won't be tempted to look at my pace.  Joe had already started to put quite a bit of distance between us.  And as much as I tell myself to try and not let it get to me, it does.  At least in my irrational and delusional state, it does.  Especially when I'm yelling obscenities at myself to run faster, pick up your legs, catch up, keep up!  Oh, if only the body can always do what the mind wants.

When I got to the OB dog beach, Joe was waiting for me, offering shot blocks and water.  I hoped that a couple of shot blocks and water will give me the boost I need to continue on.  It did not.  It took me a while to get started again, telling my legs to propel my body forward. We made our way through the ABCs of Ocean Beach (Abbott, Bacon, and Cable) and then on to the campus of Point Loma Nazerine (that campus hill is epic and was definitely not what I needed to boost my confidence).  As I was trudging along Canon, I tried my best to keep my mind off the sloth-like pace and just thought about how satisfying it would feel to finish.  I saw that Joe had stopped at the corner of Canon and Rosecrans and I decided to take a bathroom break. Afterwards, I fought with myself, encouraging myself to go on, it doesn't matter how long it takes to finish.  Joe was wording the same thoughts that were going through my mind.  We walked through the Farmer's market, through Scott, and finally onto N. Harbor Dr.  12.6 miles.  7.4 mi to go.  

I have been in this situation several times before, where my body rebels and refuses to listen, no matter the amount of positive thoughts.  Soon, my positive thoughts turn to a path of defeat. I meekly tell Joe that we should just get a cab home.  Tears of frustration and failing seem to run down my cheeks faster than I had that day.

Success is how high you bounce after you've hit bottom. 
It has been about 7 hours since and yes, I'm still wallowing in feelings of defeat.  I don't feel like I've hit bottom, but pretty damned close to it.  I was reminded by the above quote my friend, Bi-ying, posted on her FaceBook page.  It refueled my determination to attempt this same route next Sunday and finish it, no matter how long it takes.  If, in the off chance, I don't finish because of the heavy legs feeling or mental defeat, I know that I at least tried that route again.

12.6 mi run - Tour de San Diego