'Twas the night before the half..

...And all through my head,
thoughts of failing filled me with dread.

I have been waffling for the past 2 weeks of whether I will run the Rock and Roll San Diego half marathon tomorrow.  And until this point, I'm still debating with myself.  I have already accepted that this will not be the race in which I will PR.  However, I have not accepted that I am not at the level at which I think I should be performing.  This is an extremely difficult thought for me to wrestle with as I am a perfectionist.  Like many perfectionists, I exhibit the "all or nothing" mentality.  If I can't run the shit out of this half marathon, I don't even want to bother with it.

Getting back into running shape has been more of a mental than physical challenge for me.  I fight the negative thoughts in my head on a daily basis and more often than I'd like to admit, they win.  When this all becomes a struggle, I begin to lose sight of why I run in the first place and that saddens me greatly.

I'm plagued with how to allow myself the grays between success and failure.  I'm not lazy, I'm just afraid of failing.

Running on Empty

Not too many people know that I have struggled with an eating disorder for a good majority of my life.  In the past 2 or 3 years, it has reared its ugly head during extremely stressful times.  For the most part, I have it under control.  I found that my active lifestyle (running specifically) has helped keep the eating disorder at bay.  Without fuel or nutrients for the body, there was no way that my body was going to keep up with my maniacal regimen.  I definitely notice a difference in performance and recovery time if I'm not feeding my body with a sufficient and balanced diet.

I run races because I enjoy the enthusiasm in the atmosphere from the other runners, spectators, and volunteers.  In recent races, I have been trying to challenge myself and increase my speed.  Normally, I would not entertain this idea because I don't like putting a lot of pressure on myself and forget the reason why I sign up for the events in the first place.  But, I'm discovering that I'm liking the challenge of shaving time off of each mile which results in an overall lower half or full marathon time.  My best race year was 2010, where I ran all my half marathons under 2 hours (PR: 1:53:38 La Jolla half) and attained my marathon PR (SD RnR - 4:12:06).  During that year, I was also at my lightest weight (between 120-125lbs).  I was convinced that this range was my ideal weight and any deviations above would undoubtedly lead me to slower times or worse yet DNFs.

I came across this article from Runner's World and it reminded me of my sometimes compulsive nature to keep tabs on foods that I eat and whether it has the right nutrients or if it's just wasting my caloric quota for the day.  I don't really restrict myself to any sort of food, but I do tend to run extra / lift more if I indulge in something rich and densely caloric.  Sometimes, I just let it go and figure that it's not every day that I eat like that.  It is difficult to find that balance between eating enough or too much.  It's a bit frustrating to hear people say, "You can eat whatever you want, you run all the time!"  Just because I am as active as I am does not give me free range on what I get to eat.  I still have to practice moderation.

What is the point of all this drivel?  First and foremost, I need to feel comfortable in my own body.  Next, I need to realize in order to keep myself in peak performance, I must feed myself, find that balance, and indulge every once in a while (and continue with the interval training and tempo runs - bah!).  I do realize that this can not happen over night and every once in a while, I will falter.  This does not make me weak, it makes me human.

2012 Surf City USA half marathon

The Surf City Half Marathon marked the 2nd running event of the year.  What a difference not running with a bummed knee, lungs full of black soot, and being hung over made!

The only technology that I run with is my Garmin because I like that it tells me my pace, time, and HR (I am a data fiend).  So, you can imagine my disappointment when it decided not to work the morning of the race.  I gave up after numerous times to get it to work and decided to embrace this race by running "naked."  I never/rarely run with any music as I enjoy listening to the sounds around me and the internal cues of my body.

I felt good the entire weekend about this race... I felt that I could run it under 2 hours just as long as I gently push myself.  When I crossed the start line, I kept a comfortably uncomfortable pace and told myself to try and hold it until at least the half way mark (6.5 mi).  When I reached that mark, I was still feeling pretty good and decided to push it just a tiny bit more.  My legs started to feel fatigued by about mile 9/10.  I started to walk through water stations and then picked up my pace after chugging some water / hydralyte.  It was around mile 9 that the 1:58 pace runner passed me and I started to lose confidence that I would finish under 2 hours.  I kept her in sight until about mile 11 and lost her completely.  Still, I trudged on, determined to get to as close to 2 hours as I can. As I crossed the finish time, I noticed the gun time to be 2:06.  I crossed the start time at 7:54am and tried desperately to do the math in my tired head.  I figured I was close, but went to check out the official results to be sure.  You can imagine my excitement when I saw this:

I threw my fist into the air and screamed, "YESSSSS!"  Someone behind me jokingly asked, "Did you win the race?"  To which I replied, "In my mind, I did."

I'm looking forward to the San Dieguito Half Marathon next weekend.  It will be a tough one since it will be my first trail race.  My goal for that one is to maintain a 10min/mi pace or less.  I would be entirely ecstatic for a sub 2 time!

I love the Surf City USA medal!  Seriously, the only reason why I signed up for the half.

There is almost always something interesting/noteworthy about each race that I participate in:

1. A man ran the half marathon balancing a watermelon (seedless presumably) on his head.

2. A couple of bare foot runners (I was passed by one in the first mile, but I soon caught up and passed him at the 5K mark... take that, barefoot runner!! ;) ).  I guess bare foot running is becoming more common, but I still find it rather noteworthy.